Oh my light!

Hands in / hands, we stay / close.

A little step / here - a little step / there.

Then we / stop. We turn to each / other.

She crawls / up into our arms. We em / brace.

Leaning / bodies onto each other like / trees after the storm.

Ones that / hang onto each other so / they won’t fall.

Then I / whisper this trembling / sound.

“We’re gonna / make it, right? We’re gonna / make it through the night.

And what for / us has been a swamp will be one’s / valley.”

We close our / eyes and bow our / heads.

We touch our / hearts. They have / soften.

We open / up, stand up straight and start all / over.

Then I / feel you - watching / us.

Sending / down from above a glimmering / light.

“This is my / family” you say. “This is my / sister.”

I turn to / wards you. I see your / smile.

You close your / eyes and bow your / head.

Then dissap / pear into the / night.

Oh my / light! My precious, loving, / peaceful, all-embracing / light!

To my beloved husband & my precious queen,

I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Kika Georgiou

#pethimose

My faith is your love

My faith is your love.

Your love is my faith.

His love is my faith.

Her love is my faith.

Its love is my faith.

Our love is my faith.

Your love is my faith.

Their love is my faith.

One’s love is my faith.

Kika Georgiou

#pethimose

#nicholaszoefoundation

I looked for you in all of our familiar places

I did everything right - I know I did everything right.

Everything was like it should, everything was like it was supposed to be,

everything was perfect and exactly in place as before - you were gone.

And like a girl on New Year’s eve I couldn't sleep longing to be

where I would find - you.

I ran out the car and down our path

onto our beach and into our water

my heart beat stopped - I think - for a second.

A crushing wave as high as the sky

it hit me - straight to my gut.

I screamed “Stop playing! Stop messing around!“

Yet I knew. Oh, how I knew better.

Then I took my body to places ‘round

so that everyone could see - I’m doing ok,

without you.

Finally - exhausted - sat next to our daddy

put my head on his shoulder and held his hand tight

looked over the sea and into the sky

“Merciless summer sun,

when did you become so harsh?”

And I cried. Oh how I cried - missing you.

Yes, I looked for you in all of our familiar places

but you were nowhere - to be found.

Oh, you were nowhere - to be found

on our first vacation without you.

Kika Georgiou

#pethimose

The certificate of your love

Now, where did I ever get this conviction that we all get to live to be 100 years old from? Where was I looking when people around me died unexpectedly from some accident or disease or even from something yet so trivial? Where was I and why did I shut off the part of my heart that was supposedly there for and aware of my fellow human beings? Where did I get that arrogance from, the arrogance that nothing would ever happen to my tribe? How on earth did I assume and was so certain that I would get to watch how healthy and happy my own babies would grow up and thrive falling in love, and having loving families, should they desire, of their own? How did I ever manage to push through that terrifying image of your lifeless body in a coffin which violently penetrated my day dreams all the while doctor after doctor told us “This is it”? How did I ever manage to replace it with this fabricated image of us, me, peacefully embraced by my loving man, your father, in our double sized coffin, eyes shut but smiling, in our white, hundred-year-old bodies, with you, your sister and friends all around, holding beautiful flower bouquets, saying goodbye to us? Oh, I hung on to that picture so forcefully. And I made-believe that I would make it happen. Was that plain foolishness? Was that despair? And what about that insistence on resisting uncomfortable emotions or so-called negative yet true facts around me? What on earth was I thinking?

Nobody is born with a certificate that says this is the amount of days you’ve got, so every single moment of every single day that passes is a gift, right? And so when your time’s up, you go, “oh, all right, that was what I got and not a minute more, let’s go now, it’s OK!” Even though we did cherish every moment. Oh how we cherished every single moment. So, I got six whole years, nine months, 22 days, 22 hours and 50 minutes with you. Ain’t that awesome! I feel so privileged… Do I miss you? Oh yes so much. Did I want more? Very much so. Even just a little bit? Yes... Please. But that has no ending. Because being close to you will never be too much, my longing for you and your presence will never end. My longing for our family complete with you will never die. Nor will my memories of you, nor will our relationship, nor will our love ever die or vanish, that’s for certain. I guess, I did get a certificate for that. And I keep watching all those NDEs* hoping to find answers. Searching for you. Because my mama mind still worries. Where are you? Are you safe? Are you happy? Are you having fun? Are you dancing there? Are you loved there, wherever you are, as much as you deserve it? Are you even anywhere? And, most of all.. Will we ever meet again in any way, shape or form? Will I ever get to kiss you again? Oh Love, how I pray for this last bit. And I hold onto that thought and I hang onto that certificate, the certificate of your love, which is unending. Because this is what it says that you, will always and forever live in our love, in our joy, in our awe and respect for each other, in our music, in our colors, in our sea, in every flying star that catches our gaze, in the arms of our tree, in the beauty we stare at each moment. The here and the now of us is your playground and we get to laugh a lot. Because in your passing through us, this is what you brought us. This is what you left behind, this is your greatest, most precious gift to, humbled now, us. True, sacred love. In our love you are still very much alive and will always be alive. With us and within our love, you, live. And in our daydreams, you come; wearing your Puss in Boots belt and shoes, devouring your plum, laughing and goofing around, just for us! Thank you so much, son…

*Near Death Experience

Kika Georgiou

My sadness

My sadness dressed as anger grows hundreds little feet and she crawls -

all around us.

She’s so slow but she’s fast - she fills the room -

before we know it.

Sits on my back, eats on my soul, grows stronger.

Before I see her - grows little hands - fills up the air.

Before I know, she’s on our table, eats on our food -

and our friends.

She poisons us.

At night, I sit with your torch and I caress her -

my heart is shaken.

I see she’s crying - for my help.

I feel so little. I feel so weak.

I feel so helpless.

Don’t know what to do.

I see she’s crying - for me. She needs to be seen.

She needs my attention - how do I do it?

Before I knew it I became her slave.

That’s not what we do! That’s not what she wants.

That’s not what you taught us!

This is so wrong - but… is it?

What do I do? - Show me the way.

I try to breath - I have no air.

My heart aches - what do I do?

I have poisoned our family.

I have poisoned our friends.

I’m so sorry. I am so sorry.

Can’t even cry - what’s wrong with me?

What’s going on?

Please, baby, hold my hand.

I cannot do this without your help.

“Don’t worry, mama. I’m right here.

I’m by your side.”

Please, baby, hold me -

like you did before you left.

Please, baby, kiss me -

like you did before you left.

Please, baby, please…

please do not leave me.

“Don’t worry, mama, I’m right here.”

I cannot see you, my love, I cannot feel you…

what do I do?

“Close your eyes, mama… there…

Can you feel my kiss?

Can you feel me now, mama?”

No, baby, I can’t…

My eyes want to burst in tears - I can feel them

but they do not.

They cannot. What’s going on?

“Breath, mama, breath! Remember how we did?

We were there for each other every minute of the way!”

Yes, we did…

Yes… we did…

The place we call home. The place we called home.

The place we call home is a beautiful garden. It is full of beautiful trees. Running waters are its trademark and fires burn still. It has laughter, it has joy, it has bliss. It has births. It has blossoms and beginnings -it has endings. It’s alive.

It’s full of tears. Unending nights and cloudy days and then the rain comes -and washes me away. Then, the rainbow -and I see you, my Queen, I see your smile. And I light up. Then the Sun again, thank Love, my son…

“You are my Sun” I said “And you are my Moon” you declared in your six year old mountain of heart - six days before you disappeared. Or was it three? And for every faded moon I see up in the sky in bright daylight in the arms of my King -my Sun- I weep. I had you in my arms and now you, have, me.

Yes, we lost track of time at the hospice -the place we called home. It was so beautiful, it was so charming, it was paradise. It fooled us. If there’s so much beauty in the world how can there be so much pain -can it be true? Am I losing you? It was so beautiful, it was so charming, it was paradise. It had music, it had magic, it had love. It had trees. It had a stream and a baby crocodile, it had violins. It had a little garden tended by little fingers that are now still. It had a dog -his name was Louis. He would play with our Queen all day long and then jump up on your bed to love you and rest -you were content.

One day you told me “Mom… I miss the rain…” I now realise you missed sticking out your tongue to taste it like you did once, after a year inside hospital rooms with cables and loneliness running through your tiny, now fragile body -I’ll never forget your face that day… or will I? I ‘m so scared I’ll forget your face that day…- You could not stand but you wanted a karate lesson -you hit as hard as you could losing your balance -you were so brave. Next day we wake and everything is dripping tears, the sky was crying, it was as if it could not wait -it couldn’t wait… it was calling for you. You felt heard, you felt seen, you were moved… so serene, were you…

Kika Georgiou

The island below my navel

The most magical waterfall

amidst the most graceful of trees

the home of the most captivating creatures

be it butterflies, birds or fish.

A pink sun reigning over

sounding the most welcoming of songs

the island below my navel

where both you and your sister were born.

But it darkened and dried

slowly but surely as you faded away.

It sent strong, piercing earthquakes

in a soundscape of looped wails.

Where the pink sun stood warm and heavenly

now hangs a dome of gloomy black thorns

and all that, which thrived there

are all of them dead or are gone.

Yet a little wildflower grows

I can see it -how strange-

it must have been watered by your tears

all those nights in excruciating pains.

It looks strong and determined

however tiny, sings its own song

makes me wonder, could it be true?

Could I ever be reborn without you?

And I suddenly see you -so calm, so wise-

you ‘re curling up, once more, inside of me

besides it all,

you have found your place.

You don’t mind the darkness

you know you have your own light

coz you, my son, my Sun,

are the brightest, shiniest of lights.

Kika Georgiou

"How can I keep him forever with me?"

I meditate - do not medicate

before I can go to sleep

and all my dreams awaken

like in a fiery feast.

I long to dream

to dream about you

so vividly and truly

that I falsely believe

- for even just a glimpse -

that it could be true

that you are again, you.

But a creature appears

so fierce - eyes of glass -

gives me the chills just to look at

and my heart pumps.

I turn around - I see a woman

so beautiful yet so shy

my eyes are magnitised

and I whisper “Who are you?”

She says nothing but I know

coz my heart is warm and bright.

“Please, my lady, I beg you, please tell me,

How can I keep him forever with me?”

My pleas only scare her

and she suddenly retrieves

I need to go slow

to help welcome my grief.

I have two grieves in my sleep

one is scary - one is sweet.

Which one is mine? Which do I chose?

The first one appalls me - the second one I chose.

Kika Georgiou

Konstantis

He sang before he could talk.

He danced before he could walk.

He flew not even seven years old.

This is who Konstantis was.

He said “love you” or “thank you” by tapping his heart

when he was only one.

When he was three he asked me what love is.

This is what Konstantis now is.

He didn’t get to grow up.

He didn’t get to fall in love.

Thank God I said “thank you so much”

right before the very last beat of his heart.

Kika Georgiou

Konstantis draws Spider Man in the Hospital in Athens in March 2023, a few days after his first relapse.

Rainy Nights

Rainy nights should never come.

Rainy nights should never come.

But if they should,

let them bring you with them

for there should not be another rainy night without you.

People should never be alone on a rainy night.

Should you ever be alone on a rainy night

go out in the rain, get wet

walk through the night with rain.

Find a dog and play with him,

find a stray dog and take him home,

for there is no rainy night one can bear without you.

Come you

and let rainy nights, rainy days, rainy weeks never leave.

Where are those rainy nights when you need them?

Where are all those rainy nights during summer?

Where have all those rainy nights gone?

Kika Georgiou

A dream by a river.

As I sit by the river

inside the arms of a tree

the water runs clear

and the weather is so sweet.

A little bird is singing

the most beautiful of songs

as I watch you play

all day long.

Fifty years have past or so

I still sit by the river,

my hair has turned all grey

my hands are warm but wrinkly.

The little bird is singing

still sings a beautiful song

and I watch you play

all day long.

I turn into the water

I look more like a grandma

I’m bigger but I’m sweeter

at least you’re here with me.

“Have you not changed, son?

Not at all?”

“I’ll always be here mom.

Six years old.”

Kika Georgiou

This beautiful sketch was created by our friend, Andreas Stavrinides, to be used as our wedding invitation. It portrays our family, then, with us and Konstantis, 18 months old at the time.

A Prayer to Love.

LOVE,

Grant me the courage to be present,

present and humble,

humble and patient,

patient and trustful,

trustful and grateful,

grateful and graceful,

graceful and forgiving,

to myself, and others today.

Amen.

Kika Georgiou

This is a prayer I wrote some years back. I didn’t know at the time that it would become my holy ground throughout this journey. The journey which brought along numerous incredible moments of bliss and which taught us how to let go and trust life through it all. Do I wish our precious little boy was still here? As the song goes… “Like the desserts miss the rain”…

Anassa draws me a heart. April 22nd, 2024.

The Embrace. What's left.

She was the happiest girl on earth. It was Him and it was Her. Then Little Him came along and it was oh so… so huge to put to words. Then Little Her came along and it was well… paradise on earth. She would put her dress and her lipstick on, they would pick them up and rule the world.

Then Little Him became sick. They left Little Her behind to help and comfort Little Him. Little her was lonely. Little Him was broken. Him and Her sticked close to each other and slowly but steadily walked up the hill. The tallest hill where they said goodbye to Little Him.

They walked back to look for Little Her. Little Her was happy to see them but could not understand where Little Him had gone. They all cried together and looked ahead, their hearts torn but still held hands. She wore no dresses and no lipstick. Little Her could not understand. Where had her mother gone?

She sometimes felt lonely. He sometimes felt small. Little Her was trying to get along. They took small steps as much as they could. They dove into each moment as if there were only left a few. What’s left to do? A small embrace. That was all. And all that ‘ll come along, will come along.

Kika Georgiou

Summer 2023, Tel Hashomer Hospital, Israel. Konstantis draws three hearts, our family, without him. When I asked him “Where are you, my love?” he said “I am right here, all around you, mom!” And then drew his brown backdrop.